Cleaning the Keister

As many people know, bidets are popular bathroom accessories all around the world, but it seems that the proud people of the United States can’t quite seem to wrap their heads around the concept. Every time I tell someone about the awesomeness that is the bidet, I get a blank, grossed-out stare. My go-to illustration for bum-fountain bliss is dog poop on your shoe: which do you use to clean it off, the hose, or toilet paper? The choice is pretty easy, and almost everyone chooses the hose. For most people, something immediately clicks in their mind, and they realize that a bidet is superior, but they can’t admit it yet. Others come up with a list of exceptions for why toilet paper is still better. “Yeah, but…” No buts about it, mister.  Instead of admitting how rational that dog poop logic is, they put up even bigger mental barriers because they know they’re wrong.

Talk about chafing

What is the big deal with shooting a fountain of water at your poo-covered butt hole? Ok, admittedly that sounds strange, but I feel like we are living in the Stone Age with toilet paper! We seem to have been stuck in a butt-rut for the past two thousand years, using everything from corncobs to animal fur to wipe our precious tooshies. Greeks used rocks to clean their bottoms, and the Romans cleaned off with sponges soaked in saltwater. In China as early at the 6^th century, people were using rudimentary forms of toilet paper, and by the 1300s they were manufacturing huge amounts of the stuff. That’s all well and fine for them, but it’s all gross to me, and it seems incredibly obvious that we should have come up with something better by now.

With a bidet, all you have to do is spray some water to get everything off. You don’t get your hands dirty, you can get everything off, and you will never have to buy toilet paper again. Whatever you might think, it is much more hygienic and healthy. And people who think it’s weird to wipe with a rag, how do you dry off your derriere when you get out of the shower?

If we clean something as gross as poo off with just paper, why don’t we clean everything off with it? I can just imagine coming home sweaty after a tough workout and my wife says, “Aren’t you going to shower?” and I respond, “No, I’m just going to mop up with some dry tissue paper.” Of course, this is disgusting, but that’s exactly what we do when we wipe with Charmin. We may not want to face the facts, but we are far behind a lot of the industrialized world in butthole hygiene.

By the way, never touch anyone’s left hand if you go to the Philippines...